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Parshas Shoftim 5768: Mercy!

By Rabbi Burton | September 5, 2008

There is a beautiful piece on this week’s parsha in the Sefer Yismach Yisrael, by the Rebbe of Alexander, Rav Yerachmiel Yisrael Yitzchak, zt”l:

The parsha begins with the verse שֹׁפְטִים וְשֹׁטְרִים תִּתֶּן-לְךָ בְּכָל-שְׁעָרֶיךָ אֲשֶׁר יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ נֹתֵן לְךָ–”Judges and enforcers shall you place in all of your gates that the L-ord your G-d has given you”. (Devarim 16:18)

This parsha–with this specific concept of placing judges and enforcers in your gates–always takes place in the month of Elul. The Rishonim (medieval-era commentators) have given us a mnemonic device for the month of Elul–an acronym derived from the verse in Shir HaShirim, אני לדודי ודודי לי “I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved is mine” (6:3). Elul is the month preceding the High Holidays of Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, which are days of judgement, repentance and atonement. As such, Elul is regarded as an auspicious time to prepare ourselves by taking a “fearless moral inventory” and improving our actions and behaviors. The verse from Shir HaShirim suggests closeness between people, and accordingly, Elul is a time when G-d is “close”, and we can renew our relationship with Him with greater ease.

The full verse from Shir HaShirim is אֲנִי לְדוֹדִי וְדוֹדִי לִי הָרֹעֶה בַּשּׁוֹשַׁנִּים–”I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved is mine, [the One Who] shepherds amonng the roses.” The Alter Rebbe of Lubavitch, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, when speaking of the Kabbalistic intentions associated with Elul, mentions that the end of the verse contains a very deep idea for Elul as well as the first half. The Zohar mentions something peculiar to roses, namely, just as roses have thirteen petals, G-d has thirteen attributes of mercy, and thus the thirteen attributes are called, collectively, שושנה, “the rose”. We can really experience these thirteen attributes in a very tangible way during the month of Elul, which is a time of Divine favor.

[Incidentally, there are two sets of י”ג מידות הרחמים, thirteen attributes, that are mentioned in the Tanach. One is revealed by Moshe Rabbenu after the sin of the Golden Calf. This set relates to physical life, as Moshe uttered it when trying to protect the Children of Israel from physical annihilation; the other set relates to spiritual life, and was mentioned by the prophet Michah. Elul is a spiritual month, and therefore auspicious for the thirteen attributes of mercy that relate to one’s spiritual health.]

The Alexanderer Rebbe asks but how can your average Joe (or less-than-average Joe) merit to become a recipient for such lofty spiritual sustenance as Divine mercy? That is where the verse from Shir HaShirim comes in. אני לדודי–”I am my Beloved’s”–alludes to the fact that we are obligated to emulate our Creator, Who has thirteen attributes of mercy. We have to strive to emulate G-d by integrating those attributes and showing them to our fellow human beings, even when they have hurt, insulted or damaged us. Then, ודודי לי–”and my Beloved is mine”–we will merit to receive G-d’s thirteen attributes of mercy, despite our shortcomings. If you want to distinguish yourself spiritually this month, learn how to have compassion for others. If you would like a wonderful manual for learning how to do this, read Rabbi Moshe Cordovero’s Tomer Devorah, which is available from Targum Press in English as The Palm Tree of Deborah.

Thus, the first verse in the parsha can be understood as follows: “your gates” can mean “the gates of your heart”, as mentioned in the Zohar, and can allude to the seven “gates” of one’s face, the eyes, ears, nostrils and mouth, as noted by the Shnei Luchos HaBris. In those places, a person must appoint judges and enforcers to refuse admittance to evil, i.e. by fulfilling G-d’s Will as outlined in the mitzvos of the Torah. But one of those mitzvos–perhaps the main one–is the mitzvah “you shall love your neighbor as you love yourself”. If you want to fulfill that mitzvah, you need a model. That model is G-d’s thirteen attributes of mercy. The compassion that He shows you is something you must pass on to others.

Good Shabbos!

Topics: Parsha | No Comments »

How to Get Gum Off My Pants

By Rabbi Burton | August 26, 2008

There’s nothing more demoralizing than knowing that someone else’s Hubba Bubba is getting a free ride on your trousers (read: skirt, if you’re female). It makes you question your worth as a human being. It happened to me the other day, and, knowing that the dry cleaners here can do nothing other than make all of my suits look like nuclear sharkskin, I became despondent. Then I found an amazing remedy for this problem. Get 1/4 cup of vinegar (preferably white or apple cider), and heat it up in a small pot. Take an old toothbrush, dip it in the hot vinegar, and rub it over the affected area. The stuff will just melt away! Then you’ll be back in the saddle again.

Topics: Blog, Things That Bug Me | No Comments »

I Grok Spock: The Great International Jewish Bloggers Convention

By Rabbi Burton | August 25, 2008

Rarely do I have the opportunity to step into a painting by Salvador Dali and experience reality as a melange of slippery clocks, but the NBN Jewish Blogging Convention was one such experience. My self-esteem took a nose dive when I had to convince the reception committee that I had in fact registered and received a confirmation by e-mail. Here I am, begging to get into a party for twittering soccer moms and laptop Zionists. I began to wonder when it was specifically in pop cultural history that computer geeks stopped being people you could beat up for milk money and started being vanguards of chic. Then they forgave me and handed me a sticker to put on myself as a name tag. I drank a few cups of caffeine and sat down with my buddy, Rabbi Sedley, to watch as people took their seats. Someone who remembered his Jewish obligations asked me to join a minyan for mincha in a side room. I thought I distinctly heard people say l’shem yichuds for their URLs during the davening. I took notes from the convention. Well, I passed notes–most of which I will not print here–during the trance that set in after the first few speakers had given their words:

Didn’t Treppenwitz play “Born to be Wild”?No that was the troggs.com

Perhaps to save time there can be a group called Steppentroggs that plays “Born to be a Wild Thing”?

My brain has turned to blancmange!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Now the fact that they were raffling off a waffle iron (waffling off a raffle iron?) was not that anti-climactic, but what was more baffling than raffled waffles was the appearance of smooth Bibi Netanyahu, who came to the International…uh…Bloggers Convention, ostensibly to garner votes for the upcoming election. Wait, no. We don’t actually have a representative government in this country. He was trying to win support for the coalition he would soon head as prime minister (again…?). Great dialogue between him and the head of Jewlicious.com whose name escapes me at this time.

Trying to be coy, Bibi took the mike and said, “Jewlicious?!”

“Netanyahu?!” was his counterpart’s reply.

Never mind, here it is:

Now, the truth is, I have always admired Bibi for being the one Israeli politician that speaks good English, without an accent (I think this is due to the fact that his maternal grandparents were from Minneapolis, and that he seems to have spent more time in the US than Israel; see his Wiki article). I was a bit confused by the fact that his speech, followed by the panelists’ heavy mussar regarding the responsible treatment of the blogosphere (shall we call this cyber-environmentalism?) was an endless filibuster about the past 2000 years of Jewish history in Israel and why that entitles us Jews to the Land of Israel–especially since it was coming from the same person who caused Hebron to be given over to Palestinian jurisdiction during the 1997 Wye River Accords between him and Arafat, may his name and remembrance be erased. Even more confusing was the air of worship between some of the participants who likely were well-intentioned Right-wingers and Netanyahu, who, like many seemingly right-wing politicians in Israel, sort of disappointed the right wing during his term as Prime Minister. That notwithstanding, he was the only directly-elected Prime Minister in the history of the state (they got rid of direct elections after that one!), and I especially appreciated his coming to the convention in full Klingon uniform.

Take a look at these maxi-zoom dweebies from the convention:

Topics: Uncategorized, Blog | 2 Comments »

IDCIHWCD, part 2: “In America, They Give Tips”

By Rabbi Burton | July 31, 2008

I was once in a cab with an obviously disgruntled driver (redundant, I know). I asked him, “mah haba’ayah?” (”what’s the problem?”)

He said, “Ze’o. Ani rotzeh la’azov et hamedinah hazot.” (”That’s it. I want to leave this country.”)

Having made aliyah only a few months prior, I was a bit jarred.

“Lamah atah rotzeh la’azov?” (”Why do you want to leave?”)

“Stam. Maspik li kvar.” (”I just do. I’ve had enough.”)

“L’an atah rotzeh lalechet?” (”Where do you want to go?”)

“L’America” (”To America.”)

“Lamah atah rotzeh lalechet davka l’america?” (”Why do you specifically want to go to America?”)

“Ki ba’America notnim tippim!” (”Because in America, they give tips!”)

In other words, he was not fantasizing about going to America to make “million dollar”, as do many Israelis who travel to the Goldeneh Medinah, only to end up driving a moving truck, having long hair and/or delivering pastry dough. No. He was just going to be a cab driver all over again, except in America. But of course there, he would get tips. It was pretty low-key as optimism goes, and I wondered whether it would be better if he ended up in Los Angeles.

Topics: Incredibly Dumb Conversations I've Had With Cab Drivers | No Comments »

The Whole Megillah on Magilla Gorilla: A New Analysis of an Old Ape

By Rabbi Burton | July 28, 2008

Please review today’s subject, the classic theme song from Magilla Gorilla:

This song is highly problematic, for several reasons. For starters, let’s look at the following line:

Don’t you want a real gorilla you can call your own

A gorilla who’ll be with ya when you’re all alone

Upon closer analysis, this idea is illogical. If a person is already, as the songwriter stated, “all alone”–a state that can cause great sadness and even depression–it would be little solace to the person experiencing this that the one living entity who is still there to provide them with companionship is a large primate. On the other hand, the songwriter may not be suggesting that the gorilla will accompany one in the absence of other companions when one is a young or middle-aged adult, but rather when one is at an advanced age, when his or her mate has passed on and other family members have moved states or countries. Having a gorilla around would indeed be of significant added value in such a circumstance, far more than the front line nursing staff available at most long-term residence facilities.

Topics: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

New Series: Incredibly Dumb Conversations I Have Had With Cab Drivers Part One: “I Go Everywhere”

By Rabbi Burton | July 17, 2008

A cab driver told me, “I been to America. I stay with friend. No money. They give me food. ”

I’m thinking, “why doesn’t this guy speak Hebrew with me? I speak Hebrew, and he sounds ridiculous in English”.

The cabbie continued, “I go everywhere. Queens…New Jersey…Kings Plaza…”

Kings Plaza?! That’s EVERYWHERE?!

“I tell you. America is @#$%^&*…”

“Please don’t speak that way around my children.”

Essentially, based on his vast experience between Rego Park and Kings Plaza, this man of the world has concluded that America is completely evil.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to planet Earth.

This segment brought to you by that product all of our mothers and grandmothers used to flock to Kings Plaza for…Jean Nate!

Topics: Uncategorized, Incredibly Dumb Conversations I've Had With Cab Drivers | No Comments »

How To Be A Millionaire

By Rabbi Burton | July 10, 2008

If you’re a rabbi, teacher and therapist like me, you know how noble your various professions are and you don’t feel any need for money or the things of this world. Right. Recently, I stumbled upon the Millionaire Maker calculator at salary.com, entered in my current income and investment details, and came up with the following data, which had me frantically searching for my anti-anxiety medicine for some time afterwards:

If you continue to save/invest $1 per year, and do not make any
withdrawals from that savings/investment account, you should be a
millionaire when you are 245 years old.

If you continue to save the same percentage of your salary (0.00%), as
your salary increases so will your annual savings amount. This savings
plan will make you a millionaire at age 238 years old, assuming you
work until 238 and do not make any withdrawals from that
savings/investment account.

Your current savings/investment plan makes you a millionaire after
your likely retirement age. If you want to become a millionaire
sooner, you need to increase your annual savings/investments or
savings as a percentage of salary.

Saving $1/year 245 years old
Saving 0.0%/yr 238 years old

Phew! That’s it! All I have to do is work until I’m 238 years old and not touch my investment account!

Topics: Blog, Please Help Me | 2 Comments »

Crash, Bang, Boom, Bam: Kool Aid Man, the Ultimate Headible?

By Rabbi Burton | April 28, 2008

I just can’t believe that I have neglected to include Kool Aid Man in my menagerie of headibles. That gigantic pitcher of love occupied so much of my pop cultural mental map as I was growing up in the 70s and 80s. How could I have forgotten him? The truth is, you could ask a serious kasha on his inclusion: Kool Aid is not edible, but rather potable! My terutz is that drinking is included in the general category of eating, or more accurately, consumption, so sh’ma mina! Kool Aid Man makes it into the Hall of Headibles!

There are many other objections to Kool Aid Man I can think of. For example, did anyone else notice that virtually every time Kool Aid busted through a wall, a fence, or a ceiling–just to quench someone’s thirst–he created serious collateral damage? Major seder nezikin problems! Was Kool Aid Man liable for damages, or was he exempt from them since his mission was so important? Kool Aid Kids, you be the judge!

Topics: Headibles | 1 Comment »

Snuff: Kosher Nose Candy

By Rabbi Burton | February 9, 2008

If you go to a heimische shul, you probably have that one cool dude who totes around a silver snuff box and offers its contents to his fellow mispallelim. Maybe you are that person. I am not too keen on the stuff; there seems to be very little return on investment. What do you get out of it, a good sneeze? Why don’t they pass out cocaine instead? Then the shul will really have a candyman!

I know the pleasures of smoking tobacco (though I kicked the habit in 1991, boruch Hashem), and obviously you can’t do that on Shabbos. It’s a relaxing, contemplative moment with a nicotine buzz to put you in that calmed frame of mind. Of course, those moments, cumulatively, will kill you before your time, unless you’re one of these old Sephardi kabbalists whose constitution seems to resist all health hazards–but that can only be determined retroactively, and you have to be able to learn kabbalah. See the RCA’s compilation on the prohibition against smoking in halacha.

According to Wikipedia, snuff originates with the Native Americans, who introduced it to European explorers in the 15th century. The nasal tobacco spawned an industry of decorative snuff box manfacturers, and apparently snorting it was so popular that the continuous presence of a snuff box on one’s dining room table was a normal phenomenon. Snuff eventually made its way into Jewish life as well, and is mentioned in Chassidic stories such as “the Holy Goat”, which was told by the Kotzker Rebbe, of blessed memory. The Kotzker referred to himself as the holy goat:

“An old Jew once lost his snuff box made of horn, on his way to the house of study. He wailed: ’Just as if the dreadful golus weren’t enough, this must happen to me.’ Oy vey, oy vey, I’ve lost my snuffbox made of horn” And then he came upon the holy goat. The holy goat was pacing the earth, and the tips of his black horns touched the stars. When he heard the old Jew lamenting, he leaned down to him, and said: ’Cut a piece from my horns, whatever you need to make a new snuffbox.’ The old Jew did this, made a

new snuffbox, and filled it with tobacco. Then he went to the house of study and offered everyone a pinch. They snuffed and snuffed, and everyone who snuffed it cried: ’Oh, what wonderful tobacco! It must be because of the box. Oh what a wonderful box! Wherever did you get it?’ “So the old man told them about the good holy goat, and then one after the other they went out on the street and looked for the holy goat. The holy goat was pacing the earth and the tips of his black horns touched the stars. One after another they went up to him and begged permission to cut off a bit of his horns. Time after time the holy goat leaned down to grant the request. Box after box was made and filled with tobacco. The fame of the boxes spread far and wide. At every step he took the holy goat met someone who asked for a piece of his horns.

“Now the holy goat still paces the earth- but he has no horns.”

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A Snow Day in Jerusalem

By Rabbi Burton | January 30, 2008

This country is run by a bunch of nancy boys–even the ladies. The entire State has shut down, schools, businesses and all, because of the apocalyptic prediction that six inches of snow might fall. Meanwhile, there has been only some rain and a lot of wind. I remember going to college in Madison,Wisconsin, where we would receive twenty inches of snow in a day, where the wind chill was tens of degrees below zero–and classes would still be in session! People would cross-country ski to work! We would take cafeteria trays and sled down Bascom Hill. But here, the place of the great halutzim and the oh-so-tough IDF, you can’t even get a bus on a “snow day”. Even as nary a flake wafts through the air, the Jerusalem Post reports:

A heavy snowfall blanketed Jerusalem and the surrounding areas Tuesday night and was continuing to fall Wednesday morning. As expected, the Jerusalem municipality decided to cancel school in the capital for the day due to the slippery streets. University classes were also canceled, as well as kindergartens and preschools. School is also out in Gush Etzion, Ofra, Kochav Ya’acov, Tel Zion, Ma’ale Levona, Eli, Shilo and Beit El.

Major thoroughfares in the city were opened for traffic, but the city still requested that drivers not to risk the slippery streets with private vehicles. 100 snow plows were deployed around the city and were clearing the roads, especially those leading to hospitals and emergency facilities.

Additionally, courts in the Jerusalem area will not hold session on Wednesday.

Heavy snowfall?

Now if you want to know what kind of weather should shut down a city, take a look at the Great Blizzard of New York, 1888 Great Blizzard of 1888 , where great piles of snow clogged the streets, making it impossible for people to take their horse-drawn carriages from one place to another. Snow drifts from this storm covered three-story houses. Of course, this would not happen anymore, given the improved technology, the abundant snow plows, and potassium salt trucks. And, by the way, there were 100 snow plows readied for use in this city as well! But, alas, there is no snow to clear.

Alright, there was some snow to clear. And it was six or so inches–lengthwise…

Topics: Blog | 2 Comments »

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